Month: August 2022

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 5

From Chapter 7 Defining Compassion “Compassion can be roughly defined in terms of a state of mind that is nonviolent, nonharming, and nonaggressive. It is a mental attitude based on the wish for others to be free of their suffering and is associated with a sense of commitment, responsibility and respect towards the other.” p. 114

Notice nothing above mentions feeling sorry for another person or oneself. NON violent, NON harming, NON aggressive. Compassion, seems to begin with the ABSENCE of certain negative feelings then melds with a desire for others to be free of suffering and goes further to promote a sense of commitment to do something to help eliminate any potential suffering of other and the self.

Two types of Compassion. Compassion tinged with attachment – the feeling of controlling someone, or loving someone so that person WILL LOVE YOU BACK. Compassion free from attachment – Genuine compassion – based on the rational that all human beings have an innate desire to be happy and overcome suffering just like me. This desire makes us all equal. So when someone feels like the enemy remember this equality.

Cutler acknowledged this seems like a very tall order. I agree. How in the world could we EVER get to UN-ATTACHED compassion. I mean certainly it’s possible to be compassionate toward strangers in this way, but do we not want to be loved back by friends, family and significant others?

At this point, I want to throw up my hands and say – well forget it. I’m NOT capable of this. I’m NOT a Buddhist. I’m 61 years old, I’ll never get this.

Take a breathe Trish. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Step back. Dissect again. Look for something to zero in on that makes sense to you.

OK Examples.

  1. A very good friend calls you and tell you her husband has cancer. This is easy. There’s no need to practice feeling non violent, non harming, non aggressive before getting to the point of feeling that you want to relieve your friend’s suffering. You quickly move to the committed, responsible, “what can I do to help, listen, be there.” It’s easy to think about how I’d feel if I had to face the awfulness of my husband having cancer. I can relate without feeling any of the mentioned negative emotions because it’s NOT my husband it’s someone else’s.
  2. I find out a friend’s daughter is getting married and has not invited me. I’m hurt. One the day of the wedding, a severe storm moves in ruining all of the outside preparations for the wedding. My friend is suffering because she had spent a lot of time preparing for the wedding. Again, it might not be very difficult, no matter how hurt I was, to generate feelings of compassion for my friend. Perhaps I’ve given some consideration to the overall expense of weddings and have reconciled that although we are friends she had others closer to her daughter she needed to invite. Certainly I don’t have violent or aggressive feelings towards her. Yet, I might not feel it’s MY responsibility to help eliminate her suffering. Conversely, I could go further and offer a helping hand knowing how disappointing if would be if the situation happened me.
  3. I find out my significant other is cheating on me. Yep there it is. That violent, aggressive F-you A-hole. I can’t possibly feel compassion for you at the moment you son of a b — . Wow. I’m so hurt. I’m so angry ———————-

Breathe. Think. What is the answer here?

Most of us are simply not prepared for something like this when it happens. We’re surprised. We haven’t been “practicing” compassion. We have kids to think of. We wonder how did we miss this? We feel betrayed. We feel like life is unfair. We wonder what we did to cause this. What’s the matter with me?

Even if we felt compassion at some point toward our significant other, it’s almost certainly going to be attachment compassion. Compassion linked with the idea of being loved back.

I think there’s only one way to go here. Cheating is lying and lying is wrong. Lying causes negative consequences – suffering to another. Someone who is causing suffering to another person is seemingly inconsiderate, lacking compassion, ignorant (more on this later). But I think the Dalai Lama would say that someone who is causing suffering is suffering themselves. That’s the heart of it. SOMEONE WHO IS CAUSING SUFFERING IS SUFFERING THEMSELVES. They have engaged in an action that provided short term pleasure (not long term happiness) and at the same time have caused negative consequences of harming other(s).

So then, if we are to show “unattached compassion” we need to eliminate the “I want to be loved back”. We need to eliminate the aggression, violence, harming thoughts. We need to try to understand THEIR suffering. We need to see them as human beings just like us. We need to find our commonality. We need to show up responsibly and allow them some dignity to recover and make compassionate choices of their own.

Wow. That is a tall order.

I came up with 3 examples, the first 2 were rather easy to transition into compassion. Then I jumped to a much more difficult situation. I wonder, reader, what examples can you come up with in which feeling compassion seems easy and in which showing compassion feels impossible? What about my example 3? Would you feel prepared at this moment if something such as this happened to you to show compassion toward your significant other?

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 4

From Chapter 6 Continuing with Relationships

Three factors in developing compassion. 1. Empathy is the ability to appreciate another’s suffering. How to do it…remind yourself of the things you have in common – not the differences. You are both humans. Both have feelings. You came into the world in the same way. 2. Understand the background of others – through education in general and specific to a person. 3. Be open-minded and honest.

Next the Dalai Lama differentiates between genuine friendship and one based on power and position. A genuine friendship/relationship is one in which the underlying basis is affection with true sharing and connectedness. Not based on superficial/fleeting situations.

For a partner/romantic relationship he states the initial sexual attraction is unreliable and if one is basing the relationship on attraction, then they are relating to that person as an object not as a person. While there’s nothing wrong with sexual attraction coupled with mutual respect and dignity, attraction alone is not enough.

It takes time to get to know someone. If one is seeking to build a truly satisfying relationship, the best way of bringing this about is to get to know the deeper nature of the person and relate to her/him on that level instead of merely on the basis of superficial characteristics. Only on this level could one experience genuine compassion.

In all relationships, one must develop a capacity for responsibility and commitment – otherwise the relationship “is just for fun.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t post this small section for a few days because I wanted to stew on it for a bit. The upcoming section the book will cover facing the fact of suffering in our lives. Once we face it, we can learn how to deal with it. Again suffering in this context seems to focus on pretty awful situations such as having a pregnancy in which the child has severe birth defects, or facing the prospect of dying. But if we think about suffering in less extreme situations, it just doesn’t feel right to call it suffering. So, I’m going to call it “things that take away from my contentment or happy state.” Relationships with others – daily interactions with other human beings – are (I think) the most common, most experienced phenomenon that contribute to our daily happiness/lack of happiness.

Everything referenced above once again sure seems like common sense. Unfortunately, common sense can’t always help us out. People do hurtful/unthinking things and we seem both surprised and unprepared for those things when they happen. This results in a not happy state for those on the receiving end of those actions. Or, because people have done hurtful things in the past – even to the point of habitually doing hurtful things – we anticipate them doing it again (in this way one would think we are “prepared for it”). In this case, one of a few things could happen. We brace ourselves for this hurtful thing (in a defensive position) then they do the hurtful thing and we feel justified for thinking “well here we go again.” But it still hurts. We haven’t actually prepared ourselves in a compassionate way. Another possibility is that instead of allowing them to do that hurtful thing, we pre-empt it with our own hurtful attack. Again, not a compassionate way. Sometimes, people do out-of-character hurtful things. Or strangers do hurtful things. All of these situations lead to “things that take away from my contentment or happy state.” How can we help ourselves avoid this in each of these circumstances? Here’s my list (incorporating the 3 factors above).

  1. approach new relatIonships with an open mind
  2. learn as much as you can about those you surround yourself with
  3. take your time, don’t jump to conclusions (positive or negative) too quickly
  4. find others who are as willing as you to have honest, committed relationships
  5. learn from previous hurtful situations and accept compassionately what might be an exception to someone’s ”bad behavior”
  6. accept that some humans through their conditioning may continue to do hurtful things
  7. WAIT now what? Do I eliminate these folks from my life? or continue to expose myself with compassion and acceptance?

This is why it’s taken me a few days to post. 7 gets me every time. Perhaps I’ll find an answer as I continue to read the book. What do you think?

Today’s photo – me with my dear friend from 1972 (?) – until today. Genuine. Open. Compassionate. Committed. Clearly contributing to my happiness. This friendship has been 50 years in the making. It doesn’t get much better than this.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 3

Just a quick format update…for today. (Please tolerate the change as it seems to make sense today) Excerpts will be in black generally and my reflections will be intermingled in purple.

From Chapter 4 The fundamental (human) nature is to seek happiness; and human nature is one of gentleness and compassion. So we ought to live in accordance with what is most natural to us.

So how does he account for aggressive behavior? He argues, aggression arises out of frustration when we don’t achieve love and affection. Furthermore, aggression comes from the misuse of human intelligence. We began as compassionate creatures but due to our physical weaknesses (compared to other creatures), we needed to evolve into intelligent creatures to survive. Thus intelligence left unchecked caused less compassion and affection. Further, he states, when human intelligence and human goodness are used together, all human actions become constructive.

Consider three views of human nature 1. Compassionate 2. Self-interested 3. Nasty, aggressive, brutish

Each of these views of human nature are “promoted’ in various moral and political theories. For simplicity, let’s say, the Dalai Lama is promoting the first. Democratic theorists such as John Locke and John Stuart Mill promote the second and monarchists such as Thomas Hobbes promote the third. It’s important to understand that each theory can be supported by “observations” made of human behavior. Furthermore, each theorist would have a bias toward a particular view. Beginning with Hobbes who was ultimately promoting fear to protect the monarchy, it’s beneficial for the THEORY to set forth a premise of human nature as nasty, aggressive and brutish (this from the Thomas Hobbes Leviathan). Similarly, the less pessimistic/practical view of human nature as self-interested. A little less obvious, the general idea is that there’s no need for a dictator or monarch to rule over all because humans are generally cooperative with each other – not because they are compassionate but rather because it’s in their best interest to be so. The argument goes something like this: If I’m aggressive toward you, your family and/or your things, then you are justified in being aggressive toward me. Therefore, it’s in my best interest to get along, cooperate, etc.so that you in turn cooperate with me. Notice this has nothing to do with kindness or compassion, it’s simply practical to get along.

So, here we have a choice to make. Which view of human nature do we think makes the most sense? For the longest time, I have to say, the self-interest view made a lot of sense to me. In many ways it still does. But if we use that rational behind this idea – it’s in my “best interest to cooperative” we could also extend this rational to the first view – it’s in my best interest to be kind and compassionate to others because I’d like them to be kind and compassionate toward me. The difference – the big difference – is that for some of us, being compassionate on a regular basis just isn’t that easy. It takes practice. Thus, remember my first entry on the meditation.

Admittedly, I tried this meditation and it still wasn’t easy. I began by thinking of the person who I know is suffering right now and while I was feeling compassion toward her, I also got annoyed with the situation she is in which is causing her suffering. It wasn’t easy to simply focus on compassion for her. I guess this is because I’m a newbie. And I’ve vowed to do the same meditation about the same person until I get it right.

The turning toward happiness as a valid goal and the conscious decision to seek happiness in a systematic manner can profoundly change the rest of our lives.

So here we are at a point in which we notice that seeking happiness has quite a lot to do with engagement with others. Happiness is not going to be a solitary life. The Dalai Lama, although a monk, has a lot of opportunities to engage with others. Cutler asked him if he ever gets lonely and he quickly said no. Cutler asked him how others can avoid loneliness (given that it’s such a pervasive problem addressed in the field of psychology and haven’t we all felt that at some point? I know I sure was lonely during covid). His answer: no matter whom he is approaching (friend or stranger) he assumes a positive attitude toward this person – perhaps one might say giving all the benefit of the doubt – as well as compassion and kindness. This gets a response in kind as well as a feeling of connectedness and openness.

But what about those other relationships that you don’t have – a significant other, children Cutler asked. Doesn’t not having these make you feel lonely? And of course the answer was still no. Here, the Dalai Lama introduced four versions/definitions/ways to view intimacy. 1. Physical 2. Desire to share one’s innermost self with another 3. Experience of connectivity 4. Romantic vs. friendship.

If we seek a life of happiness, intimacy will be a big part of that. And, the form of intimacy he’s focused on is that with a maximum amount of connectivity , a willingness to open ourselves to many others, including family, friends, strangers – and forming genuine and deep bonds based on our common humanity. (p. 84)

I want to point out within this section there’s a lot of discussion about the fleetingness of physical attraction and romance in a relationship. This is often the cause of one’s loneliness – when the “honeymoon is over” or when one feels the other doesn’t love them the way they used to, etc. It seems the reliance on any one person for our happiness just isn’t a good idea – nor then would reliance on a small group – like our family. When our kids are growing up, we spend a lot of time and energy focusing on their well-being, their success, etc. Then when they are gone – when the fly the coop – we are often left with a very empty – lonely feeling. I think the solution is to expand the circle but NOT in a superficial way. Experiencing connectedness with more positive encounters daily could really combat one’s feeling of loneliness. Loneliness is definitely a form of suffering for many. So eliminating this is part of the path to happiness.

Are you feeling lonely right now? I bet you can reach out to someone who really cares about you and let them know. Do you know someone who’s been feeling lonely? Well, you know what to do 🙂

More again soon.

Affectionately, Trish

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 2

From Cutler’s Introduction: “…the single note he constantly sounded. It is one of hope. His hope is based on the belief that while attaining genuine and lasting happiness is not easy, it nevertheless can be done. Underlying all the Dalai Lama’s methods there is a set of basic beliefs that act as a substrate for all his actions: a belief in the fundamental gentleness and goodness of all human beings, a belief in the value of compassion, a belief in the policy of kindness, and a sense of commonality among all living creatures.

“The purpose of our existence is to seek happiness.” (p. 16)

“When we speak of this inner discipline, it can of course involve many things, many methods. But generally speaking, one begins by identifying those factors which lead to happiness and those factors which lead to suffering. Having done this, one then sets about gradually eliminating those factors which lead to suffering and cultivating those which lead to happiness. This is the way.” (p. 15)

Happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events…being happy or unhappy has very little to do with absolute conditions, rather it is a function of how we perceive our situation, how satisfied we are with what we have. (p. 20-22)

We have a tendency to compare ourselves with others and notice what we don’t have (money, power, good relationships, beauty, a good job, etc.) rather than realizing things could be worse. He’s not actually suggesting we STOP comparing ourselves with others. Instead, begin by comparing yourself with those worse off than you and you will soon recognize thing could be worse.

The demarcation between a positive and a negative desire or action is not whether it gives you an immediate feeling of satisfaction but whether it ultimately results in positive or negative consequences.

Inner contentment is to want and appreciate what we have.

The true antidote of greed is contentment.

Momentary pleasure vs. long term happiness…Ask yourself: Will it bring me long term happiness?

Self-worth and dignity come from warmth and affection given to others because that (unlike material things) cannot be taken away from you.

Peace of mind is rooted in affection and compassion.

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Reflections

The introduction above is jam packed with wonderful statements that could for some already be objectionable in one way or another, so let’s take a look. “The fundamental goodness and gentleness of ALL human beings”. What about Hitler? The book and the Dalia Lama provide an answer to such an objection using Stalin as the example instead of Hitler. If you want the full version you’ll have to read the book. Here’s my take. Whether you agree that ALL human beings are fundamentally good and gentle isn’t the point, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water (I’ve always wanted to say that). What if we accept the notion that most human beings are fundamentally good and gentle and if some are not, it’s a product of conditioning. That doesn’t mean we have to subject ourselves to these people on a regular basis by the way. But, when we do run into them – those folks who sure don’t seem good and gentle – perhaps we can remind ourselves, they came into this world the same way we did, then something happened. Even when we run into the good and gentle folks, we might just be in a bad mood, or we might feel threatened by something they say or do. The point is to step back and remind ourselves of the commonality between us…we are humans, we are good and try to respond with this in mind…

A belief in a policy of kindness. I dare you to find something wrong with that.

A sense of commonality among ALL living creatures. Ok, I have a LOT of friends who are animal lovers, I have a few friends who might buy into this notion of ALL living creatures. But many want to hold the line at HUMAN’s having commonality and the rest of those living creatures not so much. In my book, that’s ok too. A sense of commonality among Human beings works just fine for me.

The idea that the purpose of our very existence is to seek happiness is not original or solely attributed to the Buddhist tradition. Many philosophers, psychologists, neuroscientists and others have made arguments, done studies and found evidence that this is the case. You don’t have to agree in order to still want to be happy.

My point of mentioning these objections and then rather quickly dismissing them isn’t because I want to trivialize them, but I also don’t want to get bogged down in them. I want to glean what I can from what makes sense to me. I’m not wearing my philosopher hat, (well maybe just a little) instead I’m wearing my seeker hat…what can I find in this book to help me.

Regarding positive and negative consequences…again, this notion is nothing original or limited to Buddhism. In moral theory, Utilitarianism, specifically comes to mind, the consideration of consequences of actions is central to the ‘goodness’ of the action. And, you don’t have to be a philosopher to recall a parent saying think about the consequences of your actions. Further, the notion of long-term happiness vs. immediate satisfaction is something we’ve all likely encountered at some point. Examples (not specifically moral examples but relatable) might include the short term pain of going to the gym for the long term happiness associated with good health; giving up dessert; studying now to pass a test later, etc.

As with Utilitarianism, this theory of the path toward happiness incorporates something like this: if we agree that we all desire happiness (to the point that our entire existence is about pursuing happiness), then it’s best to pursue those desires/actions that will create/cause long term happiness for ourselves AND OTHERS. Why others? Why not just pursue long term happiness for ourselves? The answer gets a little more complicated, but I’ll give a brief summary. Since we also know and experience the fact that we need others to survive – yes there are a few who might be able to survive in the wilderness alone – we will always be engaging with others and they also want to be happy. Making them happy will ultimately make us happy and although making them happy might not immediately make us happy, ultimately in the long term, we will be happier if they are happy.

What then is the “best thing” we can do for others? Should we give them gifts of gold? Should we treat them to dinner? Sure. That’s ok too. But the main tenant of this theory is to give others compassion and kindness – even when we don’t feel like it. Self worth and dignity come not from material things because at any moment those things can go away. Self worth and dignity come from warmth and affection. I love that.

More tomorrow.

Affectionately, Trish

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 1

Hello Readers, It’s been quite a while since I’ve written on this space. As those of you who have read my posts know, this blog, which I started in 2014, has provided a venue for whatever has been most significant or meaningful in my life at a particular time. It began as a travel and food blog, morphed into a place to vulnerably expose my story writing, jumped to a promo site for my film, then briefly reverted to a recipe blog. The beauty of this is that it’s really a place to reflect and if anyone wants to jump in and read what I have to share – all the better.

My current status has led me do what I sometimes need to do when I feel like things are just not quite right. When I feel like my life is off kilter. Skewed. I study. I don’t do yoga. I don’t meditate. I don’t pray. I study. So, I went to the library with no particular book in mind. I roamed through the stacks, perusing book titles, then stopped abruptly when I came upon The Art of Happiness – A Handbook for Living, written by Howard C. Cutler from extensive interviews and time spent with His Holiness the Dalai Lama. I’ve always been fascinated with the notion of happiness and as a philosophy student/professor, I, of course, explored it privately and with my students over the years. Yet, I still never have come up with a satisfactory answer to what it means to be truly happy and how to get there. So, I thought, ok here’s the book I’m going to study first.

After reading the first several chapters and taking notes, it occurred to me that I would be helping myself and possibly others if I summarize some of the points that resonate with me. So, for the next entries over the course of however long it takes, I’ll tell you about the book. I think it’s very important to mention that the book is not promoting Buddhism, but one cannot help but see the Buddhist influence on these ideas. Don’t be afraid of this. No matter what your faith or lack of, you might find it interesting. My method will be to first give direct quotes and paraphrases from the book then reflect personally on that section. I want to do it this way because you might find the excerpts valuable but my reflections distracting or unhelpful. Perhaps you want to read the excerpts. Do some of your own reflecting without my input, then come back and see if we had similar or different reactions. In any case, it will be here for you. Maybe you’ll need to read the book for yourself. If one thing within these pages helps one of you today, then I’ve done something good and that will make me happy. 🙂

For the most part, I’ll progress in a linear fashion, start to finish, but today I wanted to begin with a meditation offered by the Dalia Lama to a large gathering (Chapter 7, page 129). I’m starting here because I often feel that when I’m reading “self-help” books, it takes a while to get to something specific that I can do right now. And this is what happened in this book as well. I had to wait until page 129 for a mind exercise. Tomorrow, I’ll start from the beginning, but for now, give this a try.

“So…let us meditate on compassion today. Begin by visualizing a person who is acutely suffering, someone who is in pain or is in a very unfortunate situation. For the first three minutes of the meditation, reflect on that individual’s suffering in a more analytic way – think about their intense suffering and the unfortunate state of that person’s existence. After thinking about that person’s suffering for a few minutes, next try to relate that to yourself, thinking, ‘that individual has the same capacity for experiencing pain, joy, happiness, and suffering that I do.’ Then, try to allow your natural response to arise – a natural feeling of compassion towards that person. Try to arrive at a conclusion: thinking how strongly you wish for that person to be free from that suffering. And resolve that you will help that person to be relieved from their suffering. Finally, place your mind single-pointedly on that kind of conclusion or resolution, and for the last few minutes of the meditation try to simply generate your mind in a compassionate or loving state.”

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Reflections

In the beginning of the blog, I said, I don’t meditate, I study. Well, of course I’ve TRIED to meditate. I set my phone timer for some minutes, thinking I’ll do a few more minutes with more practice. I sit on the floor cross legged, hands on knees, sitting tall, eyes closed. Clear my mind. Hmmmmmmmm. Clear my mind. Wait did I eat breakfast yet? Hmmmmmmm. I wonder how long I’ve gone. Hmmmmmmmm. My butt hurts a little in this position, maybe tomorrow I’ll sit on a pillow. You get the picture. I’m not good at meditation. I give up pretty quickly. What I liked about the meditation above was that it was actually something I am SUPPOSED to think about. Very clear direction and something we can all do. Because we all know someone other than ourselves who is suffering right now.

The word suffering might be off-putting to some of you. Perhaps too intense or dramatic. Maybe you want to just think about someone who is having a rough time. Someone who has an illness. Someone who has recently lost a loved one.

More tomorrow.

Love, Trish