From Chapter 7 Defining Compassion “Compassion can be roughly defined in terms of a state of mind that is nonviolent, nonharming, and nonaggressive. It is a mental attitude based on the wish for others to be free of their suffering and is associated with a sense of commitment, responsibility and respect towards the other.” p. 114
Notice nothing above mentions feeling sorry for another person or oneself. NON violent, NON harming, NON aggressive. Compassion, seems to begin with the ABSENCE of certain negative feelings then melds with a desire for others to be free of suffering and goes further to promote a sense of commitment to do something to help eliminate any potential suffering of other and the self.
Two types of Compassion. Compassion tinged with attachment – the feeling of controlling someone, or loving someone so that person WILL LOVE YOU BACK. Compassion free from attachment – Genuine compassion – based on the rational that all human beings have an innate desire to be happy and overcome suffering just like me. This desire makes us all equal. So when someone feels like the enemy remember this equality.
Cutler acknowledged this seems like a very tall order. I agree. How in the world could we EVER get to UN-ATTACHED compassion. I mean certainly it’s possible to be compassionate toward strangers in this way, but do we not want to be loved back by friends, family and significant others?
At this point, I want to throw up my hands and say – well forget it. I’m NOT capable of this. I’m NOT a Buddhist. I’m 61 years old, I’ll never get this.
Take a breathe Trish. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Step back. Dissect again. Look for something to zero in on that makes sense to you.
OK Examples.
- A very good friend calls you and tell you her husband has cancer. This is easy. There’s no need to practice feeling non violent, non harming, non aggressive before getting to the point of feeling that you want to relieve your friend’s suffering. You quickly move to the committed, responsible, “what can I do to help, listen, be there.” It’s easy to think about how I’d feel if I had to face the awfulness of my husband having cancer. I can relate without feeling any of the mentioned negative emotions because it’s NOT my husband it’s someone else’s.
- I find out a friend’s daughter is getting married and has not invited me. I’m hurt. One the day of the wedding, a severe storm moves in ruining all of the outside preparations for the wedding. My friend is suffering because she had spent a lot of time preparing for the wedding. Again, it might not be very difficult, no matter how hurt I was, to generate feelings of compassion for my friend. Perhaps I’ve given some consideration to the overall expense of weddings and have reconciled that although we are friends she had others closer to her daughter she needed to invite. Certainly I don’t have violent or aggressive feelings towards her. Yet, I might not feel it’s MY responsibility to help eliminate her suffering. Conversely, I could go further and offer a helping hand knowing how disappointing if would be if the situation happened me.
- I find out my significant other is cheating on me. Yep there it is. That violent, aggressive F-you A-hole. I can’t possibly feel compassion for you at the moment you son of a b — . Wow. I’m so hurt. I’m so angry ———————-
Breathe. Think. What is the answer here?
Most of us are simply not prepared for something like this when it happens. We’re surprised. We haven’t been “practicing” compassion. We have kids to think of. We wonder how did we miss this? We feel betrayed. We feel like life is unfair. We wonder what we did to cause this. What’s the matter with me?
Even if we felt compassion at some point toward our significant other, it’s almost certainly going to be attachment compassion. Compassion linked with the idea of being loved back.
I think there’s only one way to go here. Cheating is lying and lying is wrong. Lying causes negative consequences – suffering to another. Someone who is causing suffering to another person is seemingly inconsiderate, lacking compassion, ignorant (more on this later). But I think the Dalai Lama would say that someone who is causing suffering is suffering themselves. That’s the heart of it. SOMEONE WHO IS CAUSING SUFFERING IS SUFFERING THEMSELVES. They have engaged in an action that provided short term pleasure (not long term happiness) and at the same time have caused negative consequences of harming other(s).
So then, if we are to show “unattached compassion” we need to eliminate the “I want to be loved back”. We need to eliminate the aggression, violence, harming thoughts. We need to try to understand THEIR suffering. We need to see them as human beings just like us. We need to find our commonality. We need to show up responsibly and allow them some dignity to recover and make compassionate choices of their own.
Wow. That is a tall order.
I came up with 3 examples, the first 2 were rather easy to transition into compassion. Then I jumped to a much more difficult situation. I wonder, reader, what examples can you come up with in which feeling compassion seems easy and in which showing compassion feels impossible? What about my example 3? Would you feel prepared at this moment if something such as this happened to you to show compassion toward your significant other?
