I was going to finish this series with one final entry but have decided on at least 2 more. This one will be brief.
From Chapter 13 Dealing with Anger and Hatred
Cutler discusses anger, hatred, anxiety and self-esteem in the final chapters of the book. What they all have in common is the debilitating effects these “feelings” can have both mentally and physically.
Regarding hatred and anger, he seems to have lumped the 2 together as one. In an earlier post, I wrote that I don’t really feel hatred which I said was a very strong word. However, I have felt anger and can now see a link between this feeling of anger and a feeling of hatred. Although, I can’t say it’s hatred toward a person but instead toward an action of a person or of a type of action in general. For example, I hate when someone lies to me and I hate the existence of lying but I don’t feel hatred for this person. I do get angry at the person doing the lying. You might be wondering why it matters – what’s the significance of differentiating these two. I think the main point is that if we are going to try to identify negative emotions and eliminate them, we have to define for ourselves what we are feeling. This way, when we are feeling these negative emotions we can say to ourselves “Oh wait, that’s anger (for example). I recognize that. It’s coming from situation x. I’ve felt this before. Feeling this way doesn’t do me any good, and in fact it raises my blood pressure, clouds my judgement, causes me to do dumb actions in response, etc. etc.”
According to the Dalai Lama, “The only factor that can give you refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is your practice of tolerance and patience.” P. 254
Going back to my example of lying, I have to say it has become the biggest point of anger for me. And I feel justified in this anger. I mean it’s just plain WRONG to lie. Lying causes confusion for those to whom one lies. Lying is a convenient means to avoid uncomfortable situations or negative responses to the truth. Lying prevents others from the freedom of choice that the truth provides. So I stand on my high horse and feel justified in being angry at the liar. If I accept someone’s lie am I not being WEAK? Gullible?
What would the Dalai Lama say about that?
“Since patience or tolerance comes from an ability to remain firm and steadfast and not be overwhelmed by the adverse situations or conditions that one faces, one should not see tolerance or patience as a sign of weakness, or giving in, but rather as a sign of strength, coming from a deep ability to remain firm. Responding to a trying situation with patience and tolerance rather than reacting with anger and hatred involves active restraint, which comes from a strong, self-disciplined mind.” P. 257
Further, “…there is a very close connection between humility and patience. Humility involves having the capacity to take a more confrontational stance, having the capacity to retaliate if you wish, yet deliberately deciding not to…that is what I call genuine humility.” P. 257
This is not to say that I have to rescind my moral objection to lying, but how I react to the situation. For a long time, I’ve struggled with this distinction and it has proven to do exactly what the evidence suggests – it causes physical illness, poor judgement, and some actions that lead to bad consequences.
Thus implimenting the aforementioned principles for change (previous blog post) will help to combat this major influencer in the unhappiness factor.
It also doesn’t mean I have to tolerate continued lying from the same person over and over and just put up with it. If compassionate, calm but firm responses to someones negative actions (that they are not ok with you) don’t change the person’s actions I believe the Dalai Lama would say in this sort of case where there’s just nothing you can do about it, you simply have to “forget it” and in this case I believe he would say to walk away from this person.
What sorts of things make you angry? Do you feel hatred about anything? Do you see a benefit to recognizing these feelings as a hindrance to your happiness?
In the next 2 blog posts you will read about Anxiety and self-esteem and then my final reflections about the book. These will be published next week. I’m heading to Maryland for a big dose of family happiness.
Thanks for reading. Love, Trish
