From Chapter 6 Continuing with Relationships
Three factors in developing compassion. 1. Empathy is the ability to appreciate another’s suffering. How to do it…remind yourself of the things you have in common – not the differences. You are both humans. Both have feelings. You came into the world in the same way. 2. Understand the background of others – through education in general and specific to a person. 3. Be open-minded and honest.
Next the Dalai Lama differentiates between genuine friendship and one based on power and position. A genuine friendship/relationship is one in which the underlying basis is affection with true sharing and connectedness. Not based on superficial/fleeting situations.
For a partner/romantic relationship he states the initial sexual attraction is unreliable and if one is basing the relationship on attraction, then they are relating to that person as an object not as a person. While there’s nothing wrong with sexual attraction coupled with mutual respect and dignity, attraction alone is not enough.
It takes time to get to know someone. If one is seeking to build a truly satisfying relationship, the best way of bringing this about is to get to know the deeper nature of the person and relate to her/him on that level instead of merely on the basis of superficial characteristics. Only on this level could one experience genuine compassion.
In all relationships, one must develop a capacity for responsibility and commitment – otherwise the relationship “is just for fun.”
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I didn’t post this small section for a few days because I wanted to stew on it for a bit. The upcoming section the book will cover facing the fact of suffering in our lives. Once we face it, we can learn how to deal with it. Again suffering in this context seems to focus on pretty awful situations such as having a pregnancy in which the child has severe birth defects, or facing the prospect of dying. But if we think about suffering in less extreme situations, it just doesn’t feel right to call it suffering. So, I’m going to call it “things that take away from my contentment or happy state.” Relationships with others – daily interactions with other human beings – are (I think) the most common, most experienced phenomenon that contribute to our daily happiness/lack of happiness.
Everything referenced above once again sure seems like common sense. Unfortunately, common sense can’t always help us out. People do hurtful/unthinking things and we seem both surprised and unprepared for those things when they happen. This results in a not happy state for those on the receiving end of those actions. Or, because people have done hurtful things in the past – even to the point of habitually doing hurtful things – we anticipate them doing it again (in this way one would think we are “prepared for it”). In this case, one of a few things could happen. We brace ourselves for this hurtful thing (in a defensive position) then they do the hurtful thing and we feel justified for thinking “well here we go again.” But it still hurts. We haven’t actually prepared ourselves in a compassionate way. Another possibility is that instead of allowing them to do that hurtful thing, we pre-empt it with our own hurtful attack. Again, not a compassionate way. Sometimes, people do out-of-character hurtful things. Or strangers do hurtful things. All of these situations lead to “things that take away from my contentment or happy state.” How can we help ourselves avoid this in each of these circumstances? Here’s my list (incorporating the 3 factors above).
- approach new relatIonships with an open mind
- learn as much as you can about those you surround yourself with
- take your time, don’t jump to conclusions (positive or negative) too quickly
- find others who are as willing as you to have honest, committed relationships
- learn from previous hurtful situations and accept compassionately what might be an exception to someone’s ”bad behavior”
- accept that some humans through their conditioning may continue to do hurtful things
- WAIT now what? Do I eliminate these folks from my life? or continue to expose myself with compassion and acceptance?
This is why it’s taken me a few days to post. 7 gets me every time. Perhaps I’ll find an answer as I continue to read the book. What do you think?
Today’s photo – me with my dear friend from 1972 (?) – until today. Genuine. Open. Compassionate. Committed. Clearly contributing to my happiness. This friendship has been 50 years in the making. It doesn’t get much better than this.
